


Still, still and stiller

by UMsArchive



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Disorder, Injury, Insecurities, Lack of Communication, M/M, estabilished relationship - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-10-10 11:35:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10436781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UMsArchive/pseuds/UMsArchive
Summary: At times, when he feels low,  Yuri wonders whether Otabek questions and doubts his choices, especially in being with him of all people...he does.





	

Yuri has his bad days. He is very well aware. He knows he is more than a nuisance to people around him during those times. He knows his moods were easier to let be when he was younger and that they never doubted he'd grow out of it. But he doesn't. He's nearing 20 and despite the many changes he's went through, his moods stay. And he can see it on their faces, say 'it's not cute anymore' and 'it is not the time for that', but Yuri knows it well. For him, none of this has ever been adorable or well timed.

 

He also knows it used to be more acceptable when he was a young prodigy, going for gold against outstanding seniors at 15. But two growth spurts in the following 2 years have made him mediocre at the time and still struggling to readjust himself and catch up in the following years, too. He was working really hard to be 'it' again. But maybe he didn't have it in him anymore, if the cast on his leg was anything to go by.

 

Yuri is aware his skating is the only plus to his character, that many people put up with him because he's an unimpressive asshole but with impressive talent. But what if he doesn't get better? What if he loses the only reason why people believed in him? What if he loses the only reason for which he believes in himself, too?

 

These past two months he's been losing to the recent injury, he's been a nightmare to be around, he was well aware of it. There was no saying when he'd burst and for what reason. The fact that be was constantly out of a preoccupation, constantly bored, leaving his mind wandering towards the darkest of thoughts, it clearly made him even more unbearable.

 

The only person he truly trusts to accept him as he is, is his grandfather. Yakov and Lilia had an athlete in him. Yuuri and Victor have admired the competition in him. His fans - no need to clarify there.

 

Most of all, he is afraid of the moment Otabek will find there was nothing left of the inspiration he has been drawn to, those years ago. Otabek will soon find out Yuri is not what he needs, on the long run. Sure, Yuri can be fun to be around, on his good days. He is unpredictable. He is an adventure. He's offering great sex and great dates. But these lousy days ought to make Otabek see none of that is worth it.

 

"How was your day?" Otabek asks him, as soon as he let himself in after his practice. There is an attempt of casual cheer in his voice, but Yuri could hear he is tensed.

 

"Shitty," Yuri scowls, not even sparing him a look. He is the shitty one, he is very well aware of it. But he doesn't think there is any way to make it better. This is who he is. Otabek should know it by now. It is just a matter of time until he'll snap back and walk out of his door forever.

 

"Do you want to go out today?" he comes around, still to patient, still too good for him.

 

"No, I'm tired of limping after you," Yuri snaps, still grudgingly, still not looking at him.

 

"Yuri," Otabek pleads softly, kneeling in front of him. Yuri's eyes are stinging and he doesn't want it to show. He's clenching his fists, angry at himself, angry at Otabek, angry at life. "You will get rid of the cast at the end of the week. And then you can slowly get back on track and move forward. You-"

 

"I am not moving any forward, can't you see?" Yuri tries to be mean, but his voice breaks and he knows it is obvious he's about to cry. Helpless. Weak. How much more pathetic is he getting?

 

It is easy for him to talk. He was the World champion this past season. With all his efforts, Yuri barely managed a bronze. He cannot dream of even that much for the upcoming Grand Prix now, given all this time he's already lost in the off - season.

 

"I'll go for a jog myself then and be back real quick," he says as he plants a kiss on Yuri 's forehead that makes his eyebrows frown painfully and his teeth sink into his lower lip as it burns his skin with the meaning of it and Yuri can hear the sigh Otabek doesn't let out. It goes unsaid that Otabek needs to be away from Yuri right now, going out to run, just when he's been back from practice. It's not the first time. Otabek chose to back away when things heat up a lot recently, to 'go on a jog', alone with his own thoughts.

 

Yuri stays on his chair by the window, feeling like the annoying nuisance He is wondering if this jog will be the last.

 

***

  
Otabek has his doubts regarding their relationship these days but he knows it is crucial he doesn't let Yuri see them. He needs his own answers before he gives any to Yuri and through these tense times, he's taken time out a lot to think about those answers.

 

When he thinks of Yuri, he thinks of what he felt when he was on the ice or up in front of his turntable, mixing his music through the night. Yuri is the adrenaline and the strength swarming through him when he jumps a quad. He is the breathlessness and the fatigue that give him fulfillment instead of dread. He is the echo of applause, the nausea of sitting in the kiss and cry. He is the tumbles in his stomach when he gets his results, whether sickening or relishing. He is the neon lights and ringing ears. The crowds of faces where he stands out. The hypnosis and the blinding rhythm that has him completely absorbed and lifted off of this world.

 

Yuuri is the embodiment of all that in a single being. And sometimes it takes a toll on Otabek. And he knows it takes a greater toll on Yuri himself. And just as he fears the moment his greatest passions will be too far out of his capabilities, he fears the same about Yuri.

 

He has been wondering whether there will come a time when he'll want to calm down and whether Yuri will want to calm down with him. But the possibility of a Yuri calming down was only as he was now, pinned down against his will and fighting and hurting.

 

When he comes back in, he finds Yuri has moved from the spot at the window, only to sit at the kitchen counter, nibbling at a plain yogurt.

 

He looks up at him as soon as he enters, as if he's expecting Otabek to say something of significance, something Yuri does a lot lately, looking almost vulnerable in those fleeting moments. Otabek wonders if he should make the premonition come true today.

 

"I'll go take a shower," he warns and Yuri shrugs as in 'whatever', momentarily losing that tension in his shoulders with it.

 

When he's clean and walking back, he finds Yuri still there, although the yogurt is clean and out of sight, looking up at him expectantly.

 

Otabek sits down across from him, wondering how to start this conversation. What is he even supposed to tell Yuri? That is really the problem. He understands Yuri. He truly does. But he still doesn't know how to soothe him, many of these times. And Yuri ' s thoughts seem to get darker and darker with every time Otabek avoids to deal with it.

 

"Yuri-," he starts tentatively, reaching for Yuri's hand.

 

Yuri pulls it back and avoids his eyes, "Go on."

 

Otabek sighs. This doesn't work. He sits up and he sees Yuri 's eyes snap up at him instantly, full of alarm. But Otabek chooses not to react to that, walking round the table to Yuri and he sees his face moving from alarm to confusion to aggression as he means to evade Otabek 's reaching arms, but Otabek doesn't let him - he's always been stronger. He lifts him up effortlessly, puts him on his feet, careful not to cause any harm to his healing injury and, with one arm remaining steadying on his waist, the other hand cups his cheek to turn Yuri's avoiding gaze back on him. He smiles, "Stop avoiding me, Yurochka."

 

"I'm not," Yuri still averts his eyes, tense, but not pushing Otabek away. He looks like he'd like to hold on to him to, but he's unsure.

 

" I love you," Otabek blurts out, softly spoken and unplanned.

 

Yuri 's eyes finally move on him on their own accord, wide open. "Why you now-"

 

Otabek moves his other hand and cups his other cheek, too. "Because it's as true now as it would be at any other time, as it has been for a long while."

 

Yuri doesn't answer, but he melts, the tension in his limbs drifting away, his face falling out of Otabek's hands and onto his shoulder, Yuri's arms circling him. His own hands move, too, massaging Yuri ' s scalp, running through his hair.

 

"What if everything ends too soon?" Yuri only whispers the words.

 

Otabek isn't sure if he means the skating, or them, or both. "My Yuri, you're too stubborn and strong to be pushed off your path so easily."

 

"And you?"

 

"Me, too."

 

"I love you."

 

Otabek kisses the top of his head and they remain in silence some more. It's one of the good ones. This is peaceful. This is calming down. And Otabek wants this. But he wants the neon lights and the ringing ears, too, past the time when the turntable will no longer favor him.

 

For Yuri, the ice is his calming entity. For Otabek, it's his passion and adrenaline. One day, the ice will no longer favor them. But they are both perfect at filling that void for each other.

 

 

 


End file.
